With celebrities dying and social distancing in full force, it is hard to express one’s feeling for the bereaved. The deaths of Irfan Khan and Rishi Kapoor have thrown open mistakes people make while offering condolences.
It is not easy to comfort someone who has been bereaved. While many of us know our every day table manners we falter when it comes to dealing with someone who has lost a loved one. There may be no one right way to condole, but note the mistakes to avoid when meeting someone who has lost a loved one. Next time when you offer condolences, it can be more discreet with the following information.
We outline the common mistakes that we all make and try to find ways to stop the embarrassment at both ends. And then time heals all!
It will get better!
No, this is absolutely wrong. How can the loss (death) get any better? You have no idea how long it will take for the person to heal and come to terms with the loss. In place of telling someone to cheer up or that they will feel better in time, you may say something like “I’m here for you if you need to talk.” It lets the person know they don’t have to pretend to feel better if they don’t.
Avoid cheering them up
Everyone moves through the stages of grief at their own pace, and you can’t hurry it along. If the person is feeling sad, they don’t necessarily want you trying to make the smile or laugh. They may not be ready to move forward. You don’t want to avoid talking about the person who passed away because it may actually make them feel better. Hearing stories about that person from your point of view may be the healing they need. And you might be surprised to find it does cheer them up. While you may not enjoy talking about sad things, forcing conversation on superficial topics because they are happy or neutral won’t ease the person’s pain or make them forget about their loved one.
Pretending nothing has changed
Many people feel awkward talking and they aren’t sure what to say, and so they try to avoid any mention of the person. They will talk about the weather, what’s going on at work or other normal stuff. While this may be helpful, don’t purposefully avoid talking about the person who died.
The family member knows they are gone, and they will feel the silence as you struggle to avoid mentioning the person. Instead, mention them as it feels normal. Talking about the person is one way the loved one has of keeping their memory alive. Don’t be afraid to talk about serious and sad subjects. Ignoring them won’t make them go away, and the discussion can help the person deal with their emotions.
Turn off the phone and use body language
Being sensitive and lending a hearing ear is important. You do have a busy life, but for those moments shut off the phone. It can be distractive. Keep your body positioned to be caring genuinely. Let the emotions flow out from the person. Create a supportive atmosphere to make the person less stressed. Try to listen and then talk. Comment with few words and avoid side tracking the issue. If you have gone through the same phase, you may explain how you coped up. This could be useful. At such a time using physical contact can be embarrassing. Lend your shoulder to cry depending on the age, and relationship you share with the person. Hugging can be a good gesture but do not overdo it.
Offer to help around
It will take a couple of days for everything to be normal. Hence, it is best to offer some help rather than be a mute spectator. This will be appreciated. Don’t claim that you have gone through this even when your dog died! A dog is not a person! This could be a huge mistake. Don’t intimidate or undermine the feelings of the person who is grieving.
Distant condolences
Often people are away when the death of a loved one has occurred. In such times, there is a tendency to shoot off an sms or letter to avoid awkard tlephone conversation. Certainly, a few mistakes do crop up and they can be avoided. Be precise and write down postive things. There is no need to offer solutions. The time for that will come later.
Avoid expressing personal beliefs
Often people who are religious tend to say that the dead have gone to a better world. Unless you and the person share the same religion and belief it is meaningless to say anything related. Maybe the other person does not believe in afterlife as much as you do! It is best not to pressurise anyone to adopt your solution..no matter how good and effective it is.
Avoid tough love or insults
Often when you love someone more, there is a tendency to act more aggressive. The person will not snap out of the grief no matter how hard you are with the words. You may sound caring but it is the worse thing to be symathetic with ‘harsh words’. Don’t ask the person to ‘toughen up’. The person is at the weekest at that point. Don’t insult or say something that will upset the person more. There is no need to critize the person even in private.
It is okay to cry, feel depressed and gloomy. Death brings a gloom to it. But o the flip side it also shows how the living treat each other. It is a time to embrace the reality and deal with it with grace.
Very true. These are general mistakes which people make while condoling—be it a celebrity dying or relatives or anyone else dying.
People have become insensitive to human feeling and live in a copy paste or forwarding world. No one has time to read properly and they just like and share even death status on facebook.
even when your dog died!
Ludicrously funny. Can’t believe people can be so thoughtless. But yes, such do exist.